Having faith on a starless night will lead us to the place where the morning star is born.
I part the out thrusting branches
And come in beneath the blessed and the blessing trees.
Though I am silent
There is singing around me.
Though I am dark
There is vision around me.
Though I am heavy
There is flight around me.
– Wendell Berry
I am heavy
Stepping with sand bag feet
In this dark day
I look for beauty
It’s always there
I wonder if I would have jumped or gone back to die
If I had really known how hard it would be
On and on
Do I really believe it will ever get better?
No answer comes
I move away from the question
I made my choice
I go curl up
In the Legacy Garden
On the round plaque with Wendell Berry’s words of understanding
Underneath the gondola’s painted ever-green leaves
– There should be a raven
Who cares if someone sees me?
It’s been a year since that day
When I ran out of light,
ran out of being able to choose.
I arrived inside the pitch black –
The dark night of the soul,
as I have read it called since.
That day I lay on Wendell Berry’s words,
unable to see, or seek, hope,
I surrendered –
Into Thy hands I commit my spirit.
The words branded themselves on my soul.
A few months later I found more words from Wendall Berry about darkness. (See graphic below)
I cried and grieved,
absorbed huge, long-standing grief-icebergs.
I have thought, and sought,
to understand the events of that day
for the past year –
It has definitely change the chemistry,
even the very shape of my soul.
The easiest, yet still complicated, way to describe it is,
That day the seed went into the ground –
As I cross the year mark,
I do feel a few young sprouts of new life.
Green tender life
beginning to push through towards sunlight.
Very young and shy.
The old husk still sits under 12 inches of dirt
Burned to ash
composting back into the soil
Some days the wind blows in the wrong direction
and the smell can be overwhelming.
That day, a year ago now,
God picked me up
and placed me tenderly in His boat.
(Yes, God was there.
As well as angels
and screaming demons)
There I remain –
Unless I am called out,
to walk on the water
with him by my side.
I am His alone.
Now I truly understand the words
Of Paul the Apostle,
For me to live is Christ
to die is gain.
In the beginning…the earth was a formless void
and darkness covered the face of the deep.
God breathed deeply over the face of the waters.
Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light.
By the tender mercies of our God,
the dawn will rise upon us from above,
to give light to those who dwell in darkness and in the shadow of death,
and to guide our feet into the ways of peace.
— Luke 1.78-79
It is now the moment for you to wake from sleep.
For salvation is nearer to us now than when we became believers;
the night is far gone, the day is near.
Let us then lay aside the works of darkness and put on the armor of light.
— Romans 13.11-12
In the darkness, in the chaos, God whispers.
The light of new creation rises slowly.
The dawn of a new world blossoms, rising silently
throughout the universe, and within you.
Your soul is the color of the sky before the dawn.
God is coming in a new way.
Let the light unfold in you.
Today is a new day. I will rejoice and be glad I am still here.